"The good thing is that getting it right this time will happen partly because of the mishaps that brought us here. We've changed and we've grown--right into each other's arms." --Gina Gates, Falling In October
We all know that the unexpected can happen. That's why spouses buy life insurance. I couldn't even imagine becoming single by losing someone that way. And I sure hadn't ever considered that one day, I would become single in "the other way". I never thought divorce would happen to me. Not me. But it happened.
I haphazardly landed in the middle of the crackling October leaves, scurrying to maintain my fading youthful attributes. It seemed unfair that this was the time when I would have to face life anew. Nobody ever told me it would be this hard. Everything in my world spoke lamentable failure and loss, and many things took a nosedive all at once.
Fast forward. Okay, in real time, it wasn't fast forward. It was an intricate series of realizations slowly sinking in. Along the way, there were some 'aha' moments that took me by surprise. Other times, I felt that I was receiving patches of wisdom all at once, but I'd already earned them. It was like finally geting those badges on my Girl Scout sash that I'd been working towards for years.
This is where my hope in 'October love' comes in. Falling in love is what I dream about. But to even fathom of a future, first, I had to fall in love with my October. When I realized that autumn brought the bountiful harvest of how far I had come, those autumn leaves weren't a nuisance and detriment anymore. They were tokens of deep beauty that represented the fullness of my life. As I applied this mindset to my romantic aspirations, I was astonished that the potential for harvest was so abundant. In my book, I refer to it as 'a greater capacity for devotion'. Now I love my October, because I know it will mean greater fulfillment in a meaningful relationship.
My resurgence of faith and hope came when I was given a peek into the treasure chest of my own heart. That's when I saw the jewels that had been stowed there over the years, one by one. And now, they're not only there for me to cherish and enjoy, but they will cherished by the man who opens my heart and sees the treasure waiting for him. I know my value as a woman, and I know what I have to offer a man.
I know that there is every chance for love in October. I'm not a schoolgirl who can be chastised for her puppy love dreams. My ideals have been grated through my reality and tempered with fire. When your heart is broken for what you believe in, sometimes you learn later that what you believed in wasn't real to begin with. So, no wonder you were hurt. But when your heart is broken for believing in something that is indeed real, you can't let your heart stay broken. You have to keep believing. You just have to.
I have to. I have to love October for the gifts it has given me....among them: increased wisdom, knowledge, experience, depth, character, ability, and creativity. That sounds like I'm quite a sharp professor, but what does that say about me as woman? Just add the phrase 'in love' to each of those gifts above. Yes, it's one of those 'aha' moments.
Not only do I have to love October, but I have to be an October lover. That means that I can't squander all those gifts and keep them hidden. I can't be held back or intimidated out of my femininity. I enjoy those gifts by sharing them. I will share the abundance of who I am with the man I will love. I have so much more to give than ever before. But until I understood the magnitude of it, I neither loved October nor did I know what it meant to be an October lover.
If you don't know who you are, you can never be what you were meant to be. If a prince didn't know he was a prince, he could never become king. That's why you have to know that you are an October blue-blood. 'Have to' doesn't mean you'll get in trouble if you don't. 'Have to' means that you can do no less for your own joy than living and loving with all your gifts spread out before you, like a banquet for two. And the time is now. If not in October, then when? For me, it means that there is no time like the present to pursue my heart's desire--with all my heart. You 'have to' see the riches inside and the October lover you can be. Someone needs that love, and that someone also has a wealth of October love to share with you. ♥
I wrote this in 2011, while still waiting for love to find me again.